Written Tuesday, June 23

Procrastination at its finest. One set of pills between me and 7 days off. Round 5 was ok.  I only threw up once, nausea was minimal and I had an appetite. I think it’s a combination of going into this last round feeling good and being health(ier) when I started and the lower dose. 

I had a few bloody noses (I just assume this is chemo’s fault), continue to have stomach cramps and the exhaustion is ridiculous.But overall, it was a good 7 days.  

So, what am I scared of? That since I feel ok, the chemo isn’t working? Was I too big of a whimp to handle the higher dose? If my cancer comes back, was it my fault I wasn’t stronger?

I tell my friends that if it comes back, that it was coming back regardless. The doctor explained there are three types of cancer patients: 1.) chemo killed the cancerous cells in the body, you’re cancer free 2) regardless of chemo, the cancer wasn’t coming back, you’re  cancer free 3) regardless of chemo, the cancer is coming back. There is no way of knowing (in today’s cancer research world) who falls into which category. 

I tell myself, it’s not coming back! And of it does, it was coming back anyways. 
Nikki commentary: Scott and I were having a conversation a while back (pre cancer) and I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I remember he asked me, “what are you scared of?” This question really stuck with me and I ask myself this same question from time to time.

I have always had fears, but becoming a parent has made me a scaredy cat. There is just so much on the line. From the moment you find out you’re pregnant, you just want the next appointment to confirm the baby is growing and healthy. And then you want them to be born, to hold and meet them. Then, they sleep and you panic, are you breathing? You have never slept this long??

And even more life events, when I lay in a new place (and at home) , I review my fire escape route in my head. To the more controllable items, you didn’t eat one vegetable today!! And what if you only eat chicken nuggets for the rest of your life!!

And cancer has made me weak. Scared to takes kids to the Botanical gardens or magic house. What if I get sick while we are there? What if I don’t have the strength to do it all?

So what am I scared of?? For now, I’m scared of cancer. The unknown and all of it that is outside of my control. Fuck you cancer!
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.