God: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: well, I am the youngest of 7, the baby of the family.  I was a surprise not a mistake.  I joke that they had to keep trying til they got it right😉 (insert laugh here)

God: general amusement by not so funny joke

Me: I was born and raised in effingham, I know, I know.  “F-ing ham”. But it’s named after a German settler, a general or something like that.  You would like it there. We have a big cross and a strong Catholic and Christian community.  

I attended Saint Anthony Grade School and High School.  “Go Bulldogs!” And had the best childhood.  Didn’t realize how good I had it.  Have a supportive family, lots of nieces and nephews, and an amazing group of friends.  I  am still very close to my family. 

My group of girlfriends are still a big part of my life. Oh the memories, we use to sit out at the lake, just us girls, and talk and stare at the stars for hours.  Beautiful out there, especially at night.  We were just solving the problems of the world. 

And funny story, I actually met my husband in Effingham, well, not until later but that is how we originally met. 

God: silence. (He acts as if He has heard this story before?)

Me: anyways. I loved dancing in high school and actually danced for a year on the college dance team at Saint Louis University.   I miss dancing, I consider signing up for a dance class but who has the time but I guess I just need to make it. 

Anyways. Off to SLU I went in 2000.  It was the single scariest thing I had ever done.  New city, new people, new life.  I adjusted (eventually). First two years were hard but my junior and senior year I finally found my bearing and had a group of friends who are some off my best friends til this day. Gosh we had fun.  

Funny story, a group of us worked at a bar/ restaurant downtown St. Louis called Sybergs.  Man we had a good times.  

God: unimpressed.  

Me: oh, it was innocent fun. I guess you probably saw all that. You have to admit drinking under the arch was a good idea at the time.

God:  hmmm.  

Me:  thanks for having the officer not give us a ticket.  But I graduated, class of 2004.  Go Billikens! And off to London I went. 

God:  ….

Me:  ok, I’ll fast forward.  I mentioned Scott, we ran into each other after a friend’s wedding in St. Louis. I shouted across the bar, “Scott Szymonik”.  This was when I had my nice boobs, so I was feeling pretty good about my pick up line.

God: …

Me: I talk a lot, I know.  I am an open book.  Probably share too much.

God: so where do you see yourself in 5 years? Starting with the year ahead.

Me:  why do companies always ask this question? Well, lucky for you God, I have a plan.

So, this Fall Scott and I are celebrating 5 years of marriage. We discussed going on a long weekend trip without the kids.  Maybe Hermann, MO or wine country. In September, my niece, Lynn, is getting married.   I’m a bridesmaid.  It’s actually pretty cool.  She is having her sister, Jennifer and her Aunts, me and Angie as the bridesmaids.  Her “three sisters” as she called us.  We are so close in age and were raised doing everything together.  Should be a rocking good time.  I love weddings and the shower and bacherlotte party – wahoo!  And the kids are old enough I can relax while leaving them with sitters.

Anyways.  To top it off, girls trip! To the beach this fall with my St. Louis girlfriends.  I know, I cried when I bought the plane ticket in February, but that’s just because I’m going to miss the kids.  I know, they will be fine.

But in general,  just looking forward to a summer of enjoying being at home with the kids.  Visitng the zoo, magic house, botantical gardens, the water park.  And may be making it out at night for the free concerts in the park.  Enjoying the luxuries of staying home so I can have the kids ready when Scott gets home from work. Makes me happy just thinking about it.

God: silence.

Me:  oh.  And you know how the year of 33 was all about me!  That’s because we want to try for baby number 3 this fall.  Around my 34th birthday.  I know, crazy, I even told my girlfriends that I may be pregnant on the trip.

God: silence and seems to be getting further away.

Me:  I know, I am a planner. I love a good plan.  My mom always says she never planned like I do, just let life happen.  But I always thought we would have more kids and we want them close in age, so yes.  The year of 33 will be a year of just that, get my body back to myself before baby number 3.

God: … 

Me:  are you still there??  Did you hear my plan?

Me: Cecilia wasn’t planned. 

God: ehh.hmmm??

Me:  She was the best surprise ever but she wasn’t planned. Being my plan.   I call her my “game changer” baby.  Jeffrey changed our lives and made us parents and Cecilia changed the game and I quit my job (I don’t have a job!) to spend time with my kids.

God, are you there?  Do you not approve of my plan?  It’s a fine plan. It’s not asking much. We attend Mass and will continue to pray (was that supposed to be outlined in the plan??)

Because, God, You see, You changed my plan or must have disagreed with it because as You know, I have cancer.  So there is no one year or 5 year plan.  There isn’t celebrating anniversaries on trips and showers because I am sick.  

I’m not enjoying my kids because now I’m coordinating people to help me watch my kids so I can rest or vomit or go in for all day infusions. 

And there are no more babies in my future because there is a good chance that chemo will make me infertile and even if it doesn’t, I need to be cancer free before considering getting pregnant. Which is in 5 years. FIVE YEARS!  And what if it comes back before then??? 

So what is your 5 year plan for me, God? Because  I am having a hard time understanding it. 

God: silence

Me:  a lot of people are praying… Are you listening?  

God:

Me: I need answers God!!! are You always this quiet!?!? 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.