Growing up, I remember sitting on the floor with my dad and playing cards.  And I remember his favorite game was solitaire. He would sit on the ground and play the game out in front of him. 

When I was in highschool, I would wake up in the middle of the night to him playing solitaire on the computer in the upstairs office. I would walk in there and sit with him.  He thought it was soo cool that you could play the game on the computer. 

At the time I understood that he couldn’t sleep, but now, I can relate to the mind spinning, craziness that prevents good, restful sleep. 

I recently told a friend that I never had an adult relationship with my father.  I was a kid when he died and I was a very naive 18 year old.

I never chatted with him about going off to and graduating college, didn’t have to convince him that bartending at a pub in London is what every college grad does.  We didn’t celebrate together after getting my first job at the St. Louis Cardinals or second job at Panera Bread. 

Scott didn’t ask for his permission before getting engaged (he did ask Marie!) and mom walked me down the aisle at my wedding.  He didn’t go on a walk thru when we bought our home.  And he did not get a blue cigar when I became a mother or a pink cigar 17 months later! And he didn’t say, you’ll be ok! When I decided to be a stay at home mom.

This experience is strange in that I feel like I am getting to know my father as an adult. Granted, his news was much more grave and he was given a battle to lose. But, through all the appointments, overload of information, the urgency of it all. I am getting to know his life, his struggles and fears. 

And through it all, I feel he is there, in the middle of the night, saying, I will watch you play that game of solitaire.  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.