Growing up, I remember sitting on the floor with my dad and playing cards.  And I remember his favorite game was solitaire. He would sit on the ground and play the game out in front of him. 

When I was in highschool, I would wake up in the middle of the night to him playing solitaire on the computer in the upstairs office. I would walk in there and sit with him.  He thought it was soo cool that you could play the game on the computer. 

At the time I understood that he couldn’t sleep, but now, I can relate to the mind spinning, craziness that prevents good, restful sleep. 

I recently told a friend that I never had an adult relationship with my father.  I was a kid when he died and I was a very naive 18 year old.

I never chatted with him about going off to and graduating college, didn’t have to convince him that bartending at a pub in London is what every college grad does.  We didn’t celebrate together after getting my first job at the St. Louis Cardinals or second job at Panera Bread. 

Scott didn’t ask for his permission before getting engaged (he did ask Marie!) and mom walked me down the aisle at my wedding.  He didn’t go on a walk thru when we bought our home.  And he did not get a blue cigar when I became a mother or a pink cigar 17 months later! And he didn’t say, you’ll be ok! When I decided to be a stay at home mom.

This experience is strange in that I feel like I am getting to know my father as an adult. Granted, his news was much more grave and he was given a battle to lose. But, through all the appointments, overload of information, the urgency of it all. I am getting to know his life, his struggles and fears. 

And through it all, I feel he is there, in the middle of the night, saying, I will watch you play that game of solitaire.  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

April 8, 2015

The good news is, I get to drink coffee and wine. The bad news is, I have to have chemotherapy. 

Today was our first meeting with an oncologist.  Nothing can prepare you for your first meeting with an oncologist.  Even the questions that I had written down went unanswered, because it was just a lot of information. 

My prep, reading the 27 page doc they sent me all about colon cancer, well, wasn’t enough. But no matter what steps I would have  taken, it still wouldn’t have helped.

The facts: 

I have stage 3B colon cancer. 

Down the road, we will look at the genetic aspect if this (lynch syndrome). I recently found out that my grandmother died from colon cancer. So, due to my age, lifestyle, location of tumor,  they assume it is genetic. We will also discuss how it effects the kids (colonoscopies at 20 years old!) 

Treatment: I will have chemo every other week for 6 months.  I will take two pills a day for 7 days and that same week, I will have an infusion of chemo (at the hospital).  I cannot drive myself to and from treatments.

Starting: next week.  I have to get the port first, and I said not Friday because it’s my daughter’s first birthday. 

Side effects: no hot or warm showers (what!? This is a big deal for me !) due to dry hands/feet, vomitting, diarhhera, no cold drinks, tingly feelings in hands and feet…you know, I’ll just write about them as they come! When will I feel the worse: not sure yet, probably on weekends.

When are we cancer free- 3 years out, chances of reoccurrence significantly  drop and we have huge party – invite to follow. and 5 years out, cancer free! Huge trip, someplace warm!

A new friend: I get to see my oncologist every other week during treatment, than every three months…

My health today: my blood pressure and my iron levels are low. I told him about my “one a day” vitamin and my iron supplement.  Yeah, he’s going to give me like 1000 mg of iron through the port next week.  I can’t get a deep breath (thinking he would say anxiety) No, from my low blood pressure.   And I’m Exhausted, damn iron.

Moral of the story, go to the dr for your yearly physical. For me! 

Nikki Commentarty: f*ck!!!!! It’s a good word for cancer. 

Please know that I think this word is offensive when used when referring to the sexual act.  I’m not that obscene. And my mother hates when I use this word. 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aside from the current two year old go to sleep issues, I love bedtime.  I love snuggling with clean, snuggly babies and reading our favorite stories.  And then it’s time for back scratches and songs.  Lucky for me, I still have two bedtimes in my house.

It’s nice to have kids in the “sit in the lap” stage, because it gives me time to reflect on the logistics of the day. And there is something about night that gives me a sense of accomplishment. No matter the fails that were faced, it’s over now and we can take a deep breath knowing we made it through another day. (It also helps that crawling into bed myself is in sight.)

I also love mornings, partly for the same reason I love the end of the day. Knowing it’s a new day to do things better, to not lose my patience (with a 2 year old who loves to push my buttons and a 1 year old who put everything in her mouth), and to be more present in those ‘look over moments’ of play time on the rug. 

I started identifying these two favorite times of day when I became a mother. When you have a newborn, you are up at all hours of the night, and there is this sense that it’s just the two of you. There is also a certain peace that comes with gazing out at a full moon or watching the sunrise with said newborn. It’s almost like you’re stealing time and you know you wouldn’t have that moment if it weren’t for your little one. Snoozing away as you walk around the room with them.

Nikki commentary: After bath time, Jeffrey has two options when leaving the bathroom, to go left to his room to get dressed or to run into our bedroom and jump on the bed, naked!  He usually chooses the latter. This is also when we play “good night, wake up” which is a simple game of saying “good night” followed by pretend sleep and Jeffrey shouting  “wake up” and him jumping on us.  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The week of March 22, 2015

My mom came to stay with us to help with the kids, house and me, for my first week home. God sent! If anyone knows me and my mom, we are so similar we drive each other insane. But this week was different. It’s funny how the details don’t seem to be as important. 

Physically, like anything, overtime it got easier, but it was hard to be around the kids and not pick them up. And to constantly remind Jeffrey that Momma had a boo boo on her belly and he couldn’t kick or jump on me.

The dr had told me I would be exhausted, and I was.  So I rested. My body let me know when I was doing to much and it would double me over, so I would sit. 

March 30, 2015

Scott and I met with the surgeon and I greeted him with a hug.  I’m a hugger. The incision looks good and walah! I’m healed! He suggest I get off the pain meds (I was only taking Ibprophen during the day and half of the good stuff at night) and to get healthy for chemo.  I’m a rule follower, so I stopped all pain meds and started a daily vitamin.  

Nikki commentary: when my dad died from cancer, I remember wanting the world to “pause”  to give me a chance to mourn and adjust before it was time to jump back in.  

I can’t help but to feel like that now, especially when I’m laying in bed. Like, wait…stop…hold up.  I’m not ready… I’m missing out on these moments with my babies…Scott and I need a minute. I don’t want to be sick.

My dad died on a Sunday. I was at state dance competition that following Friday and Saturday. 

There is no pause button.

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

When I originally came up with the title “This is the pause button” it was  because when I quit my job to be a stay at home mom, I felt I was putting everything I had worked for professionally on hold. I wanted to write about my kids, family, and our life lessons.  When this whole health issue started, it just felt right to keep the title but wanted to give everyone a heads up that the kids will start making their way into my writings (and I hope you stick around to read!)

I write all of this now because I’m coming out of the fog and I’m over the pity party and I’m ready to move on.  Not that I won’t still have my weak, pissed off moments (because I’m still pissed and I’ve been reading about chemo, sounds awful) but I’m mentally in a better place.  And I have my friends and family to thank.  Just the overall compassion and outpouring love I feel from everyone.  I can’t begin to thank you enough. 

I also have Jesus to thank. Yesterday was Palm Sunday, and l love the Passion reading. It’s an awful story but it’s a story I feel like Jesus is a true human being. I just felt close to the story knowing we all have crosses to bear. 

Nikki Commentary: “can’t stop, won’t stop moving” Damn, Taylor Swift has such good advice!  

And yes, I just thanked Jesus Christ and quoted Taylor Swift in the same post.

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Friday, March 27 

My sister Cindy had 4 tickets to Fleetwood Mac at the Scotttrade Center and who else would she want to bring but her 3 awesome sisters!

We had the weekend planned for several weeks, so Scott is the one who mentioned I should still keep my plans and if I got tired, he would come pick me up. 

So, off to dinner and the concert I went. It was nice to have a reason to get out of the house and Stevie rocked!  There wasn’t an empty seat in that place!!

Saturday, March 28, we had a 9:30 bridal appt for my niece, Lynn. That was a lot of fun and more importantly, she found the dress!!! Gorgeous!! 

We celebrated at brunch at sqwires. It was a brunch that I had a breakdown because I had done too much and I felt physically ill and exhausted.  It’s funny how the physical pain is the main reminder that your sick. 

I also realized when Lynn was ordering her dress,  that I would still have my chemo port in at her wedding.  Huge bummer!

Nikki commentary: it was nice to get showered and dressed into clothes that I couldn’t sleep in.  Scott had to like that as well. I would describe my attire over the past week similar to maternity leave (comfy clothes) but unfortunately for Scott, it didn’t come with the nursing boobs.

  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tuesday, March 24

I called the dr to schedule a follow appt and I also left a voicemail for the nurse, requesting the pathology results from the surgery. 

At 11:00am, Dr. Brabbee returned my call and I took the call from my bedroom.  He said in summary, that the cancer was more advanced than we had expected and that I would have to have chemo.  He had removed 67 lymph nodes and only 1 was positive. It was an early stage 3. We would discuss more at our appt and get more information after meeting with an oncogist.

Nikki Commentary: This was the moment when I heard the C word. This was when it sunk in and I really, finally, started processing that all of this was real. This was when I realized, “Fuck, I have cancer!” 

And this was when I shut down…

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sunday, March 22

I was so excited to get home and a little anxious.  In the hospital, it was “all about me” and I knew it was going to be hard to take it easy with the kids. 

We made it home in early afternoon.  Jason and Abigail were still at the house. They had come in on from Columbus, Ohio on Friday night and stayed at the house over the weekend with the kids.  This was a blessing because they have a  3 year old, Amelia, so Jeffrey had a playmate.  And Jeffrey LOVES his uncle Jason.  Maybe because he looks like Scott? He has just always been a big fan since he was born. And Cecilia and Abigail got along great!

But the hugs from my babies when I got home were awesome. It was just a relief to have such a huge milestone in this health journey completed and to put it in the “check that off the list” column.  (If you know me, I love a good to do list.  And in love checking things off of it even more!) 

My family, Chad, Kevin and Jill, were all ready to come visit, but we decided it was best to take it as easy as possible once home.  So Jeff and Donna brought my Mom, Marie, to St. Louis.  She was going to stay with us for a few days or however long we needed her.

Poor Jeffrey and Cecilia.  When Jeff, Donna and mom arrived, Jeffrey hid behind me on the couch and Cecilia squeezed onto Scott.  Seeing that, I knew they thought we were leaving again, and it took a bit to get them to calm down and reassure them that we weren’t going anywhere. 

Nikki Commentarty: this will be mentioned in another post, but I had this theory that “the year of 33 was all about me”. Simply meaning I didn’t want to be pregnant or breastfeeding for one year.  Sometimes I feel like Karma is like, what?  How is having cancer not all about you?

   

 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sunday, March 22

Besides waking up very excited to have coffee, I was also ready to bust out of the hospital and see my babies.  Scott and I decided it wasn’t in the kids best interest to visit me, so I hadn’t seen them for 3 and 1/2 days!  

The nurse said that the dr would be by to give me the final ok to be discharged and he should be by in the morning hours. 

I ordered some cream of wheat and OJ.  much different from my baby hospital stays where I order the max amount possible from each category! I’m weird and like Mercy’s food!

Lyndsay came to visit and she decided after hearing all the girls’ stories of their visits, that she picked the best day to visit. And she was probably right.  There were no anxiety attacks during her visit!

The dr soon came by and gave me the ok to leave. I would need to call his office on Monday or Tuesday to make a follow up appt and to check in on the path results. 

once we got the ok, it was like, we couldn’t  even move fast enough. Scott had the car loaded and I was anxious to get “detached” from the two ivs and take a shower!!!  

Nikki commentary: when we buy our next house, I am totally making sure it has all the conveniences as if I were 80 years old.  I wanted to live in that hospital shower (…walk right in, sit right down…) Or maybe that’s just how good it felt to take a shower.

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

  

The surgeon came in every day to check in on me, so I’m not sure what visit to was but he said, “you are one lucky person. The blood (that I was experiencing in my stool) was not coming from the tumor. It was just chance. And you need to thank your dr for recommending a colonoscopy, because 9/10 drs would have looked at your case and told you to chane your diet and let you be in your way.”

I had already called my dr after the colonoscopy, crying and thanking him for having me get one. But this just made me think, someone is watching out for me.  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.