I’m not the only mom who vacuumed on Mother’s Day, but probably one of the few who enjoyed it. 

On Saturday, we hosted a first birthday party for Cecilia with our St. Louis friends and family. Despite the rain, it ended up being the perfect afternoon. 

It was great for so many reasons.  Scott and I had something to discuss besides medical stuff. We got to see our group of friends that we hadn’t seen for several months. There was an energy in the house that had happiness surrounding it and it was priceless.

Sunday was spent as our little family of 4. Simply enjoying each other’s company, which too many weekends we forget to do. 

Both days had cancer in the room, as I was noticeably still not able to eat a lot and having a wave of nausea during the party.  And Sunday I was a prisoner of my home with severe diarrhea.

But it was a weekend to be treasured, a weekend to be remembered and a weekend that I could live in for awhile. 

Nikki Commentary:  Be careful when you are wishing your life away – you never know what chapter you are going to land on. 

  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I didn’t feel sick when I was told I had cancer, but I feel sick as hell now. 

Chemo is not my friend. Ever since the infusion last Wednesday, I have been man down and not in a good way. Throwing up, nauseous and exhausted. I just feel like crap. 

My oncologist has to laugh to himself of how often I call to question my dosage. I just can’t handle it. Who knows, may be I just have a weak stomach. 

I do have to thank the inventors of Coca Cola and applesauce. That’s the only way I get my pills down without throwing up.  

Nikki Commentarty: Scott bust his butt at work and got a bonus. So instead of it all going to Cecilia’s NICU bills, I told him he should do something for himself. So he bought Cards tickets to a handful of baseball games.  This was pre cancer, so we thought it would be fun to go together (sans kids). 

Yesterday was the first game and after much debate (sell tickets, don’t go, bring Jeffrey instead) I decided to go! It was a beautiful day and Steve, Rose and Ron said they would watch the kids. 

We were at the game and they play a lot of music and as most of you know, I get into all of it. The singing, clapping along, just the energy of being there. So Scott asked me as I sat still “no dancing?”  I responded, “not today” but I added “I’ll be dancing again, soon.”

Truth be told, I wanted to die and he could tell. We left after the 7th inning stretch and that’s when it hit us that this isn’t going to be easy.  And that’s the first time Scott got angry and I got sad.  Fuckin cancer.

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Wednesday, April 29: Today, I start round 2 of my 7 days of chemo. I was fortunate to have 4-5 days of feeling good and like myself. I felt so good that I got myself so worked up and anxious about starting again, that I made myself physically ill.  Maybe I thought that I wouldn’t have to take anymore chemo pills if I was sick.

But I got down my morning pills and off to infusion I went.  Steve, Rose and Ron came to the house to watch the kids.  Jeffrey knew I was leaving so it was quite the ordeal to get him calmed down.  

Kristin brought me.  We use to work together so it was nice to catch up and spend the day together. Although I was trying to convince her that we should head south to the beach – instead of the Cancer Center.  She said she would bring me to the beach “next time.”

Labs and doctor appt went good. He prescribed an anti anxiety med to treat me making myself sick.  He said, anxiety  induced nausea/diarrhea  is a real thing. 

Later  in the afternoon, Kristin handed the baton off to Malinda.  And we watched Ellen and I found that listening to music and covering my face helped me nap during infusion.

The evening was terrible.  I could barely force myself to eat a banana but knew I needed something in my stomach. I knew the physical pain was inevitable but when you are in it, it’s hard to accept.
Nikki commentary: Be brave.  I am brave. 

“I said, and said, and said those words. I said them. But I lied them.” What Was I scared of. Dr. Seuss. (Thanks Renee for that book! A new momma and Jeffrey favorite.) 

Lyndsay gave me the best shirt to wear to chemo! And on off days too! 

  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I worked for a company and there was a monthly award handed out to a group or individual for going above and beyond their job. An email would come out, colleagues would submit their nominees and you know, I’m not sure who voted!  

I never won. (Bitter much?!)…not the point. The point is…

Today, I am giving myself the MARC award. I survived the week home with a 12 month old and a 29 month old on CHEMO. There was minimal TV watching (but there would have been more if Cecilia would sit still for 2 minutes!) 

Monday and Tuesday, I felt the worse mainly suffering from exhaustion, but nothing I couldn’t manage. Scott worked through dinner, bath and bed the first two nights. Wednesday, a chemo free day but side effects last 48 hours, we made it out for a play date with Kristi.  That evening,  Jessica and Adam brought over dinner. On Thursday,  I felt even better (didn’t even take anti nausea meds) and Lyndsay stopped by for coffee and Kirby stopped by for lunch. It was a beautiful day, so we played outside and off to Jeffrey’s  swim lessons we went that evening. Today, I felt like ME!! Not 100% but I could live like this (especially if you told me I didn’t have to have more chemo!)  We had a playdate with Emily, read books and laughed a lot!

As for the MARC award. the whole reason the award started, was to have a formal way to celebrate our successes as a marketing team. We would work to get out an amazing program, only to speed right on to the next one, never stopping to acknowledge and celebrate the hard work.

What I have come to realize, is it’s our responsibility to celebrate ourselves every now and then. I think we are raised to be humble and often don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve. We need to remember, that no matter what we are facing, at the end of the day, we need to be proud of ourselves and say, “you did a damn good job” (because let’s be honest, no one else is going to tell you!)

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

April 21, 2015 – Day 7

Around Jeffrey’s second birthday, he fell while walking down our back steps.  From that moment on, he would only go down the stairs on his tummy or while someone was holding his hand.

Today, we were headed downstairs and he just had this look of determination in his eyes that he was going to do it. He was going to walk down, while holding the railing, all by himself. I didn’t offer my hand, I just went down the first flight with Cecilia and stopped to watched. 

It was one of those awesome, can’t prepare for, mommy moments.  He made it down the first flight, no problem, but you could tell he was nervous. And when he got to the landing, he said, “I did it!” 

After the first step on the next flight, he decided to go down the rest of the way on his tummy.

I couldn’t help but have an even deeper connection to this moment.  I may not be down all the flights of stairs, but I am one down.  And one step closer to the end of the Cancer chapter in my story book. 

  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The first night of chemo was the first time I cried to Scott, questioning “why me?” I didn’t cry long and I didn’t ask more then once.  

Nikki Commentarty: Shellie and I were texting and she asked how I was feeling.  I said “I feel like shit but I will be ok.” And she responded, “you don’t have to be ok.” 

I think it is important for me to remember that I don’t always have to be strong throughout this battle.  There will good days, bad days, and a lot of crappy days. 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

April 15-April 20

In an effort to keep everyone updated, I will continue to update this post throughout the week.

I will follow a 7 days on, 7 days off plan for chemo.  Meaning, in addition to going in for an infusion, I take 3 pills in the am and again at night. 

April 16: I’m in day 2 and already feeling side effects.  Certain foods give me a tingly, zingy feeling in my mouth. (From a pineapple to oatmeal).  And I have an oven mitt on top of the fridge to grab cold items and I need to be patient as the water gets to a room temp before touching . It feels like I’m touching frost bite or something. 

As for rest, I have a 1 and a 2 year old. Who would have thought I would have missed a desk job!  My mom is still staying with us.  Steve and Rose live close by to help and my friends and family are all on stand by.  

  

April 17, Day 3:  The nausea is setting in this morning. I just ate some toast and took some anti-nausea meds.  I am supposed to take these 20 minutes before the chemo pills anyways.  The port still hurts but that is supposed to get better in a few days, so I’m viewing it as short term pain. Although it really restricts my activity with the kids.  This sucks and I’m feeling weak.  I don’t want to do this.  

Rose brought over some sea bands, hope these help with the nausea. 

Im going to call the dr today because  of constipation. That’s the crazy thing, both side effects are constipation and diarrhea. So if it’s not one, it’s the other. 

My mom stayed another day, so That is good.  Cecilia has a dr appt this morning.  That’s the crazy thing with all this. Life doesn’t  slow down for the sick.  If   anything, it speeds up.

  

April 18, day 4

I made it through the night!  I was dry heaving before going to sleep and didn’t think I was going to get the three chemo pills down last night, but I did. I think I have to sensitive of a stomach to handle this.  

Nikki commentary: we go through our neighborhood Panera drive thru quite a bit. And the person at the drive thru knows us well, so we talk and catch up (as quickly as you can at a drive up window).  So I was sitting in the passenger seat, and we pulled up and she asked Scott what he did to me. (I apparently looked as good as I felt!) and I just said that I was under the weather. So she gets our food and she says, seriously, what is wrong? Do you have the flu? And I responded, “no,I have  cancer.” She was shocked, so I felt I should add something, so I said “I just started chemo and it’s making sick.  But I’m going to be ok.” 

April 19,  day 5

Oh my, I felt the best all day than I have all week. Between my anti nausea meds, ginger ale, jolly ranchers and sea bands and such, I made it through the day. My port is feeling better so I can hold my head up.  

Biggest complaint of the day, stomach cramps.  Holy hell. Double me over stomach cramps.  But if my stomach was empty, no cramping, so I only ate breakfast, small snacks and dinner. So tomorrow I’m going to call to see what I should be eating. 

April 20, Day 6

Today was the first day I was on my own with the kids on chemo. And it was a good day. 

I felt the best that I have since I had the port put in last Tuesday and since I started chemo last Wednesday.  I think I have the naseau under control and I have a call into my dr about the stomach cramps.  Long story of the back and forth but I have taken for granted great nurses at my other dr offices.  Shout outs to my OB and my internist. 

Scott even had to work late (hell, he is on a call now for work) Which means I did bath and bed all by myself. 

Nikki commentary: Malinda called to check in on me and I told her about the success of the day and she asked me if I felt good about it, because it was a huge accomplishment.  And, I was proud to give my kids a normal day. But The thing is, I never needed to prove to anyone that I was super woman. I have always had a “survival mode” kind of attitude. 

And when I dance, it’s because I’m happy and I love dancing!  And tomorrow there will be dancing and a new post.  Because there are only 11 more pills and 24 hours and I made it through 1/12 chemo cycles!!

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

April 15,2015

I miss the days when my daily medicine was a prenatal vitamin.  They are pumping me with more stuff then I care to list.  And the oral meds list goes on. 

Here we go…

   
   

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April 14, 2015

Nikki Commentary: I am being rolled out of surgery to put in the port and I open my eyes to a nurse standing over me.  She greets me with “Well, Hello, chatty Kathy!”   

“Me? I don’t remember saying anything.” So she refreshes my memory.  Apparently I told the surgeon that next time he puts me under he should also fix my boobs. I explain that I use to have great boobs but always hated them and didn’t realize how my 1 and 2 year old would take away my awesome boobs from nursing. Ha!  

She also brought up Effingham. I asked how she knew I was from Effingham.  Well, I told all of them.  Oh dear. 

When the surgeon came in to check on me he said he would “read up” on the surgery, but wasn’t his area of expertise!” 

The bad news is, I have the same boobs (for now😉) and came out with a power port instead.  And it hurts as bad as it looks but it should feel better in 5-7 days.

 

   

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Port: I will have an outpatient procedure tomorrow to have a port put in my chest. A port is basically a constant iv the will be under my skin to avoid getting stuck with a needle every time I have treatment or need bloodwork taken. It is the same surgeon who performed my surgery in March. I’m not looking forward to it and I have the standard instructions. No food/ drink after midnight, arrive 2 hours ahead, it will take an hour and they observe me for 2 hours before sending me home. 

Wednesday, we (wait, what’s this we shit?) I will start chemo.  Anti nausea meds are on hand. And thanks to the outpouring love from my friends, so is a nicely stocked chemo bag.

Nikki Commentary: What’s the saying?  Take It as it comes?  More on that later.

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.