I have had the opportunity to live two ways the last 7 months.  1)like I was dying and 2) saying good bye because I was moving.

The biggest take away from these experiences is how much I value and appreciate the people in my life. Since I am moving, I have maxed out my calendar with my friends and family to visit, have lunch, meet up for dinner or play dates.  And most importantly, no matter the inconvenience, I tried not to cancel. 

And you know what I took away from all of these get togethers?  Why didn’t we do this more often!! 

My husband likes to remind me that corporate America is still the same, stressful, fast-paced place that I left over a year ago.  My friends go over their children’s weekly schedules and the rat race of running around town to get to everything that they are signed up for.  I am not suggesting people work less or not as hard, or you take anything away from encouraging   your child to be involved. All I am suggesting is to take a moment to look at what you make time for in your day, week or month. No you can’t do everything or be everywhere and sometimes what you need is a night in and a good night of sleep. 
Nikki commentary:

I actually think my small group of friends benefited from my cancer diagnosis. Because prior to my diagnosis, we took each other off the priority list. We canceled our monthly get togethers, we didn’t respond to our weekly catch up emails because life was to crazy. There wasn’t enough time. But when I got sick, it made us STOP. It was our wake up call that this is life and the time is now. Aside from all the physical pain, I am glad I could be the person to bring us back together!

Now, I’m not sure our husbands appreciate our new outlook that our kids will be fine at home with Dad while Mom catches up with her girlfriends but I can say that we are better women, wives and mothers because of it!!

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Everything  is happening at once…or so it seems. After a very long wait at my dr appt last week, it was decided to do my colonoscopy and CT scan now instead of waiting until March 2016.

So, today I wait in the same waiting room as I did this past March for a colonoscopy and don’t know what to expect or to feel. All I know is I thought I was going to have a longer break from this or maybe I forgot (for just a bit) that I had cancer.

My CT scan is scheduled for Friday and we review all results in October 22. The day before we move out of our house.

Alright…let’s do this.
updated 10/14: colonoscopy came back clear!  Next up CT scan.  The dr’s office called!  The CT scan is clear.  We will review my “survivor” plan at my appt on 10/22.   

Hell yeah, I’m a survivor!!
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

In a state of physical being selfishness. I decided I wanted the year of 33 to be all about me.  

Shortly after my 30 birthday, Scott and I found out that I was pregnant with our first child.  I was more than excited to become a mother.  I got married a little later than my friends and I was ready to be part of the mommy group.  It never even crossed my (naive) mind that this pregnancy wouldn’t end with a new baby. I was 9 weeks when I went to the bathroom at work.  And there was blood.  Not spitting blood, but kind of a lot of blood. I ran to my bosses desk and she told me to call my dr.

So, after a call to my dr and to Scott, I was headed home (driven by Michelle and Kirby) and told to stay off my feet. A very long 24 hours of severe cramping and heavy bleeding, an ultrasound the following morning confirmed that there was no baby. 

It was a hard few months, but i finally got pregnant with Jeffrey in March 2012.  Weighing in at 7lbs 12 oz, he was our amazing little boy born in November. 

And to truly believe that God has a plan, when Jeffrey was 8 months old, we found out that I was pregnant with Cecilia.   A very stressful first 17 weeks due to some complications, we ended up with a healthy 7lbs 9oz baby in April 2014.  

So, to fast forward, the ages 30, 31 and 32 were spent pregnant and breastfeeding.  So I was focused on the year of 33 being about my body belonging to me. Hence came my theme “the year of 33 is all about me!”

Cancer has a funny way of making things all about you. Since my diagnosis, I have been surrounded by the most amazing support system.  Words can’t even describe how humble I feel when it comes to the outpouring love from family,friends and strangers! 

I have reconnected with old friends, made new friends and have a connection to people that were part of my “social network” but I never even bothered to really get to know them. 

I had mandatory dates set to spend the day with friends and family who brought me to treatments.  I was forced to put myself first.  I was forced to let go of always being with my children (in a good way) allowing them to develop deeper bonds with the loving people in our lives. 

Most importantly, I had the most powerful reminder that our time here on earth is short and it continues to remind and challenge me to make every day count. 

Even though this past year didn’t look like what I had in mind, it definetly was all about me. 

Now that I’m 34, my birthday wish is for less physical pain and many more dance parties!!  
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September 25

have you ever put so much pressure On a  single event? But in reality, there was so much more to be celebrated?

I had the pleasure of driving my niece, Lynn, to the church on her wedding day. I told her,”Lynn, today is the first day of the rest of our lives.”

It was a beautiful day, filled with laughter, tears and a great sense of celebration. I had a moment before Mass started where I started to cry and this led to my sister, Angie, crying. So we snuck to the room to calm down. I haven’t cried a lot or I would even say, AT ALL, through out the last 6 months. My eyes burning was probably a big reason.  But I have been so focused on finishing chemo, there wasn’t time to cry.  And what was crying go to do for me in the past. 

But in this moment I had a sense of relief and reflection of eveything that had happened and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt sad, happy, scared and excited. We had to explain to my 8 yr old niece that you can cry because you are happy.  I also made a point to get it together because I didn’t want to tap into all of this on Lynn’s wedding day.  

So we got it together and the last one of our Fab 4 (established at Lynn’s birth) walked down the aisle and we celebrated and prayed for a happy and healthy marriage. 

We also danced!!  And it felt so damn good!!
   
    

    

    
   
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It’s such a common saying in my house. A simple four words that I know some day I will miss.  “Hold my hand, Momma.”  Or Cecilia just raises her hand to be placed into mine. To guide, to stand by, to support.It amazes me how such a soft, simple gesture provides so much strength in return. 

When my dad was sick, I used to lay in his bed with him while he watched tv and we would hold hands.  I was a teenager at the time and it didn’t feel weird. It just felt comforting to know that he was there. We wouldn’t say anything, we would just watch reruns of Married with children.  Dad loved that show. 

Over the past several months and even just the last few days, I have found myself asking Dad to hold my hand.  When the physical pain is too much and I feel alone. I close my eyes and pray, “Hold my Hand, Dad.”
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september 18, round 12

Let’s do this!  I was excited about the last infusion day.  My  sisters and mom were going to bring me to the appointment and Scott was going to come when I was finished to watch me ring the bell.  (Scroll to the bottom for the video!) It would have been the perfect day if I would not have had to have chemo. 

We got to the appt and I had a goodie bag of chocolates for the staff and other chemo friendly treats for patients. I was excited for it to be the last round. 

We had a great appt with my nurse practitioner.  She has went above and beyond and she is going to write up a survival plan to give me at my next appt.  blood work looks ok, platelets at 94!  And continuing to gain weight. 

Off to the infusion room we head. And I was in store for lots of visitors!  All my brothers and sisters were there, scott, my niece Jessica and my friends Brittany and Jessica. We had Steve, rose and Ron bring up the kids to watch me ring the bell.  It was great.  

I wanted the kids to be there so that someday they can look at photos and understand how trying if a time that was happening in there lives and how we tried to keep the sense of normalcy and protect them from any disrupt into their lives. And how they have kept us going through out the last 6 months and giving me a reason to get out of bed and off the couch on the hard days.
Monday-Tuesday, September 21-22

In an effort to address my nose bleeds, I went to an ENT.  Turns out that chemo has burned the liner of my nose (so to speak) and it isn’t going to heal on its own. So, they did an in office procedure to cauterize my nose.  It did not feel good.  They just take silver nitrate and burn in on the inside of your nose.  It felt like multiple stabbing pains.  I have to hope that the nose bleeds do not come back or we may have to have it cauterized again.

From a health standpoint, I want to die.  My head is pounding and The nausea is back in full force.  I think my body is just tired and beaten down.  With the pain in my nose and the rest of my body feeling like it’s giving up, I’m a mess.  But two more days and I hopefully never have to take another chemo pill again. 

Wednesday, September 23

It’s a new day and I can do this.  Aside from my teeth feeling like they are going to fal out and my nose hurting, I can do this.  It’s officially wedding go time!  Time to pack and get ready to hit the road for home.  

As my friend holly put it, 1 more day between me and the rest of my life!!
Nikki commentary:  it’s hard to describe how hard this has been both physically and emotionally. And it’s even crazier to think that the dot on the map, the date on the calendar is so close.  It’s like I have been chasing time. Running away from the present. To reach the finish line.  I will not dare to ask, “now what?” Because now, I at least feel like I am actively fighting cancer.  I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m weak.  What happens when I feel strong again?  What happens when I’m not physically doing anything from a medical perspective to stop cancer.  
   
    
    
    

  
 
 

 

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Ahhh…it is night 7 of round 11.  Which means, only one infusion day and 21 chemo pills and 14 premeds and I will have completed chemotherapy.

But why would chemo want me to celebrate.  Instead of celebrating, I found myself at the pharmacy picking up a prescription for “magic mouthwash” to treat the sores in my mouth from chemo.

This is a side effect they told me about on day one and continued to ask about throughout treatments.  So I just thought I was in the clear.  Until Tuesday morning.  I asked Scott to look in my throat. I said I either have Cecilia’s cold or I have sores from chemo. Scott confirmed they were sores.  I gargled with salt, baking soda and warm water. But the sores got bigger so I called the dr. To talk to a nurse..

Overall, it wasn’t a bad round. Bloody noses, some bad nausea on Sunday through Tuesday. But we had a nice visit in effingham for Labor Day and final wedding prep (and by that, I mean us hanging out at my moms house in our dresses (bride and all!!) it was fun!!

Either way, for round 11 I’m calling this the one last fuck you from chemo. I don’t want to know what the final fuck you from cancer is going to be…

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september 4

It’s the big day…for a couple reasons. 1) it’s time to make the jump from Monday to a Friday start.  Only 4 days off chemo. But let’s finish this thing. 

2)And, I got a call yesterday. My hereditary colorectal cancer test results were in…so we would review the results at my appt. 

No need to drag it out.  I DO NOT have lynch syndrome.  Or the genetic mutation that would cause me to have a hysterectomy and most likely get another form of cancer in the next 10-15 years.  The test was negative!!! 

Since life moves so fast, let’s take a minute to enjoy this and thank God for answered prayers.

Ok, minute over.  You know when you get good news but the person giving you the news isn’t on the party bandwagon?  That is how this felt.  The specialist just had this distraught look in her eyes.  I questioned, can the test be wrong? She responded, “no.” So this is good news??!  Right?  

She just seemed to be very concerned with my age and cancer diagnosis. And it came down to that I need to be closely screened (blood work and ct scans every 3-6 months) for several years.  Well, I’m sure health insurance will love me!! And I need to be my own health advocate. And pay close attention to my body for signs of uterin cancer, etc.  

(Now you know why you only got a minute to celebrate with me) 

But…on to my 11th round of treatment, let’s do this!  94 platelets!!  Wahoo!  Since my dr was out of the office, my check up was with the geneticist.  She laughed that someone my age would 1) know about platelets and 2) be excited to have so few. I said, honey, I’ve been down to 50!  So this is great news!  Weight was 122. 

My sister, Angie, joined me for the appt and one of my best childhood friends, Holly, came to the appt and stick around for treatment and to bring me home. 

We actually had a fun day! Considering our environment. We were so busy catching up, we didn’t even notice the nurse hook up the chemo bag!  Some dry heaving and a tingly tongue brought us back to reality, but overal, it was an ok day. I even danced for the people on my way out, letting everyone know that I would only be back once and then they would never see me again!!! (Wishful thinking! And hey- they don’t know I’m moving) 

   
 

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round 10: it seems so silly, only 3 rounds left, but I really don’t know how much more I can take.  The infusions, the pills, the exhaustion. I know, I know. I’ve come so far. But how long can you live in survival mode?

Monday, August 24

My brother, Jeff, was my partner in crime for the day, and his positive outlook on life was a nice, along with some “Jeffy” jokes. 

Platelets were at 84. Liver counts were at the same levels as they were for round 9.  We discussed any concerns with the levels, and since the ultrasound showed my liver was clear of cancer (man I hope the radiologist read it correctly) we are going to stay the path on the same dose of chemo. 

To put my daily pills in perspective, for the first 4 rounds, I took 6 chemo pills a day (3,000 mg) and now I take 3 pills all day (1500 mg). 

Tuesday- Thursday:

I really wonder how I used to take all those pills. Being 6 instead of 3.  I’m having troubles getting these down.  Mainly, the two at night. I try to tell myself they are a multi-vitamin or a superpower pill, but My body still dry heaves as I swallow it. 

I hate applesauce soo much I have been doing this round with just water. Poor kids ask for applesauce and I don’t want to give it to them.  Poor Scott was sucking on a peppermint last week, and I freaked out at the smell.  I suck on peppermints when they do my labs and flush my port (egh, vomit). I thought it was anticipatory nausea (which could be part of it) but it’s when the hepurn hits my mouth. The taste is soo strong.

Which, I forgot to mention. I didn’t vomit on Monday! Only dry heaving! Just flush my port slowly! (So glad we just figured that out.)

Saturday, let’s celebrate the bride!  

I have been mentally preparing for my niece, Lynn’s, bacherlotte party.  Just knowing I’m on chemo (thumbs down) and a long day of celebrating. I had a feeling it might kill me. But I woke up excited for a girls day.  

What I love most about “wedding festivities” is it brings the people you love most together.  And lucky for me, Lynn is only a few years younger than me, so I know her group of friends. And our family is very close, so it’s always a family affair!!

The best thing about the day, was the joy and energy amoung the group. There really was a sense of “happiness” and celebration. And anyone who knows me, knows that I love to dance.  I do not need alcohol or any incentives.  ( Heck, I danced down the cube rows at Panera all the time!) And we had one heck of a boat dock dance party with a great group of women!

And it was so fun to just be one of the girls. Aside from two bloody noses today (WTF) and having to call it a night with chemo pills. 

But I survived and now it’s time to continue the crazy. Next round is when we are making the Jump to a Friday. So September 4 is round 11.  And that also means only 4 days off (bummer) and prayers that my body can handle the short break. But especially after rhe party, I do not want to come home from Lynn’s wedding and take pills. I just want to be done. And maybe have a small breather for what this crazy life has waiting for me…

Sunday:  last day of pills (Til Friday) 

Third bloody nose…my son was very concerned as I stood in the bathroom to make it stop.  I heard him go tell Scott, “Dadda, momma has blood in her nose”. Like, you should be doing something! I need to put neosporan in my nostrils, because the last time my dr checked, he said the chemo is burning the liner of my nose and that could be causing the bloody noses. 

Another side effect is it feels like my teeth are going to fall out.  I have felt this for several months, but finally just getting it jotted down.  It is strange to be aware or to “feel” your teeth.  And the last side effect that I need to ask the dr about, is at night I can’t sleep because my skin is prickly while I’m trying to fall asleep.  It’s not every night, but annoying enough that I can’t sleep. 

   
       

  

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I have been praying a lot lately. (For obvious reasons.) But, like everyone else, we still face the same day-to-day stresses and worries that consumed our pre-cancer world. So I continue to pray for the things that I prayed for in my pre-cancer life.  And one of the big items on our plate is being relocated for Scott’s job. 

Even though it sounds shocking and out of the blue, it has actually been something that we were aware could happen when Scott took the position in 2012. It’s just amazing how fast the time goes and life changes in a few years. 

Originally, we thought we could be moving this past January to California, but due to some restructuring within the company (and a very loving God) that didn’t work out. In May, the conversation was brought up again, to which I told Scott that “my plate is full” and didn’t have time to think about it.  So, over time, we received more information and decided it was the best thing for our family and our future. 

In all honesty, I do not think there is a right or a wrong answer to this situation.  As all individuals and families face big decisions in your life, you use different things to help you come to the best way to proceed. 

And for me, I have been asking God for His guidance on this very big decision. Literally saying in my night prayers, “God, I lift this up to you. I am not strong enough to sleep on this.” And to my friend’s Kristi’s point, she reminded me to “make sure you are listening!” To which I responded, “how do I know He is talking?!” 

But over the past weeks, I have felt God’s guidance. One, I think the recent cancer scare (the concern if it was spreading to my liver) was a good scare. It grounded Scott and I and brought us back to reality by reminding us that even though we are focused on the 12th and last round, that cancer is and always will be apart of our lives. I also think with the ultrasound being clear was a sign that we will be ok in a new city. 

Now, even though it may be the best decision, doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.  I have been in St. Louis for 15 years. I have developed friendships that will last a lifetime. And being an hour and half from home, its so nice to make a quick weekend trip to see my family or come to town when Scott is busy at work. We also have Scott’s dad, and Steve and Rose in St. Louis. So this was not as easy decision when we knew we would be further away from our family and the people we love the most.

But, who knows what the future holds. The position is 24-36 months, and the Midwest is on the map for us to return to in 2018. As I say, “all roads lead to Effingham.”  

And in this case, that is true. Just jump on 70 East and head to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and that is where you will find us by November of this year.
Nikki commentary: are you struggling or stressed about something in your life? Don’t be afraid to ask or give it to God.  Even if you don’t consider yourself a “religious” person. Why not have some help along the way and don’t forget to listen!! 

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