November 2015

We have been in our “new house” (as Jeffrey calls it) for a couple of weeks.And I was ready to go home the first weekend. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being completely lost in a space, but you can’t help the way you feel.  And no matter how much people try to tell you it’s going to be hard, you can’t prep for it until you are living it.

It has also made me realize that 30 something women are probably the hardest to make new friends with. I tell Scott everyone has been so nice except the women at  the playground. But, we haven’t  been here long and I have exchanged numbers with a woman with young kids in the neighborhood. Someone told me before I left St. Louis, you just need to meet one person!  And I always said, I feel bad for that one person! 

 
As for getting around the new area, I have a  love-hate relationships with google maps. Navigating the narrow, windy roads of the country side of Pennsylvania has been interesting. The kids have whip lash from me not understanding the dynamic of making a sharp turn up a steep hill. And I have learned that “slight right/left” actually means a hard turn onto a road that is hidden up ahead. But without Google Maps, I would be lost!
Nikki commentary: 
I see the moon:  I have always loved the moon because no matter how far you are from home, you are always looking at the same moon as your loved ones. There is also something more intimate about the moon. Maybe it’s the darkness or the silence of the night that makes you feel a little bit more lonely or sentimental when you’re someplace new.

I always show the kids the moon when we have a good view or if it’s full or bright. And I remind them that our loved ones at home are looking at the same moon! 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

November 12, 2015

Scott, myself and the kids head to the dr and who would have known, it is located in the outpatient hospital I turned around in the first day we moved here. 

It’s a nice building and everyone seems nice. I get called back for the usual. Height, weight, urine sample. And then we meet the dr in her office. We review my health history and the last couple of months and she eases some of my concerns. But the three key things that came out of this appt were:

1) being recommended to an OB specialist in Pittsburgh, 2) being recommended to my new oncologist and 3) having an ultrasound and seeing that tiny heartbeat.

And as every mother knows, once you see that heartbeat, you are in love. And excited! 

A nurse came up to me while I was getting my blood work completed and she said, “I just met you, but I can tell you are a strong woman.” And she gave me a hug. And as wrong as this sounds, I don’t want to be strong anymore, I want a break. Gosh. I am so selfish.

November 19, my first appt with my oncologist. 

He was surprised to find out I was pregnant (as I again, continue to sob and explain the last months) and basically explained that the chances of a miscarriage are high, along with fetal abnormalities and basically scared the crap out of me (in a medical way) but he would have assumed that a miscarriage would have happened already since I’m 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. He simply said, “this is one tough kid!” And that I should stop blaming myself and be excited because this is a good thing. 

I questioned why it is recommended to wait for 6 months before trying to get pregnant and now the answer is clear. It is to get through the one year mark of being cancer free. This is a huge relief to me to me from a health perspective of the baby.

November 22: a calming peace.

I have spent the last two weeks in a state of sadness and guilt. But I had a calming moment at Mass. I just handed it all to God and decided from that moment on, I was gong to be excited and feel blessed for something that I had mourned the loss of earlier this year. 

Now it’s time to prep to get through the Thanksgiving Holiday without spilling the beans…especially when we talked baby names and room ideas for the 7 -8 hour drive home!
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Following the tone of my blog, the next several entries are not filtered and written from my emotional experience of them. It is very personal information but since I have shared this much, i thought, why stop now. 

November 9, 2015

I’m brushing my teeth and I’m so nauseous I feel like I could throw up. Oh my gosh. You don’t think, I bet I am. Let’s think about this…it’s been 50 days since my last period, but I assume that is a delayed side effect of chemo. I had a pregnancy test before my colonoscopy and it was negative, when was that day 33 or something?  (Checking dates, crap, it was day 24?!!)

Alright kids, load up, we are going to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. And back home we go to confirm what I already know. 

I have a theory with pregnancy test, if you are pregnant, the test is positive under a minute. Not pregnant, it makes you wait. Test 1: waiting, waiting, waiting…BLANK! What, what does blank mean? (Look at pamphlet, instructs to call 800#. Ok. They are not going to tell me the results for a defective test. I don’t care if I only tinkle on it,  I’m taking the other one. Test 2: Pregnant.

My mind is racing…Last period 9/20, last day of chemo 9/24. I was on chemo! Toxic chemicals, not a prenatal vitamin. My periods were so irregular (have one and 10 days later, start again. 30 days later start again, 10 days later start again…) I had a colonoscopy.. I had a CT Scan. Why didn’t I make them do a blood pregnancy test like I did in March!??? You are such an idiot.

Call Scott, call my sister, Angie, call Scott 3 more times and text both of them to call me! Call oncologist in St. Louis and leave a message for the nurse, all while crying, that I just got a positive pregnancy test and I just finished chemo. 

Alright kids, as promised, we are headed to the playground. Get back in the car. call Scott, call Angie. Angie answers. And I’m uncontrollably sobbing.

This poor baby, what have I done? How could this happen. It’s not the baby’s fault I had cancer.

I call Scott, he answers, and says “what?” I said “what do you think?” “He responds, “I don’t know!” And I just say, “I’m pregnant.” And he says, “no fucking way?!”

Exactly…no way, right?

Medically: before I started chemo, I saw a fertility specialist about freezing my eggs and decided against it. I was told to wait at least 6 months post chemo and  3 years from the geneticist.

Condoms and Birth control: I joked that we have used more condoms than teenagers for the last 3 years and apparently we use them as efficiently as them as well.

During treatment, the dr said if you are still having a period, you can still get pregnant. So don’t. At my first appt in March, I asked if I could be on birth control, he said no. It would interfere with the chemo drugs. And on Sept 18 (my last infusion day) he gave me the ok for whatever (IUD or the pill). Ok. Fast forward to Sept 20 (last week of chemo, week of Lynn’s wedding and I had my nose cauterized this same morning. I call for an IUD, but they can do it that week and I decide I need a physical break and will go on the pill instead. Oct 22, appt with OB before moving and for a Pap smear which is important since uterine cancer is a big concern for me. Ok. Given a sample of a pill, start on first day of next period. 

Drs: I spend the day on the phone with healthcare professionals. Found an OB in our new area online and call, again, sobbing to the person on the phone and explaining my situation. Since I am a new patient, they can’t get me in until December 3. Way to long. 

I talk to my oncologist’s nurse and he wants me to go to Lab Corp for a blood pregnancy test. Dr’s don’t like to say anything until they have proof. So after the kids wake up from naps, we head for mommy to get some blood work. The lady says the test is STAT so we should know by morning. 

Side note: I’m not used to bringing the kids everywhere and this is just the beginning.

And I am just in complete, devestation. How could this happen, this poor baby. I’m a terrible person.

Tuesday, November 10:

Oncologist confirms what I know. Yup, you are pregnant and you need to be seen by a dr right away. Thankfully the nurse was amazing and promised to call the new OB and send over my medical records, with a letter, encouraging them to see me ASAP.

In the meantime, I have an idea. I’ll call my OB in St. Louis to get their opinion. And after crying to the nurse, she tells me I most likely conceived October 4-6. Well, I got home from a girls trip on the 4 and my 34 bday was the 6. So that would make sense, but we used a condom. Yeah, doesn’t matter.  After continuing to explain my guilt and fears she tells me that she likes to think God has a sense of humor. And that she will call me back after talking to the dr.  When she calls back? He confirms that I’m a high risk and need to be seen right away. (I’m seriously considering driving to St. Louis. I really feel lost and out of control. How did this happen) she also asks, what happened to the sample we gave you! I responded that I never started my period!

I call the new OB and they have received the records from my oncologist and will see me Thursday, November 12. Ok. We are getting someplace. Now let’s get to Thursday morning. 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

October 21-22

The nice thing about being relocated for a job is they send in the Packers and the movers. But it’s still one of the most stressful events I think people go through. I’m serous, moving is stressful.

October 23- 28

A cross country trip: Scott and I decided it was best to convoy across the midwest and make a couple overnight stops and just take our time getting to Pittsburgh.  Since  I would have the kids with me and we would follow Scott. 

Friday,October 23: we stayed the night at Steve and Rose’s and this started our 5 day trip of making our way to our new house. Saturday morning we said good bye to our house in St. Louis. Scott and I both cried. It was a good house. 

Saturday, October 24: I had planned on having our pictures taken first thing in the morning, but the photographer cancelled last minute, so that was that. (Actually a huge deal and I was heartbroken, but moving on!) 

We got on the road to Effingham, Il to stay the weekend with my mom. We had mom watch the kids so we could have dinner with Erin and Holly and their spouses. To celebrate the end of chemo and a bit of a goodbye. 

It was an uneventful weekend for the most part but it was nice to stay at “home” before heading out Monday morning.

Monday, October 26

We head to Columbus, Ohio to stay with Jason and Abigail and to break up the 7-8 hour trip to 5 hours and to avoid stating in a hotel in Pittsburgh Monday night. 

Tuesday, October 27: closing day

We got into our new town just about 10 minutes before our final walk through. We were trying to find a Starbucks and I got lost from Scott and ended up pulling into  St. Clair outpatient hospital. I told Scott  I would just meet him at the house. So pulled up directions in the most amazing google maps and we headed to the house.

(What do they say, you find out where you were going by getting lost?!? Little did I know I would be back at this hospital in a couple of weeks)

Tuesday night we slept in our new,empty house. Cecilia in a pack n play in what would be her new room and Jeffrey on the air mattress with us in our master bedroom. That was obviously not where he was supposed to sleep, but it’s the 4th new place he has stayed in 5 nights so we are in survival and coddling mode.

Wednesday and Thursday: no major complaints with our stuff arriving and getting everything somewhat unpacked. And by Friday, I was like, ok.  We live here. We live in Pennsylvania.
   
    
   
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

January 1, 2016

Happy New Year! I don’t really have any profound thoughts to share from 2015 or looking ahead to  2016. What I have been thinking about is what I prayed for last year during Christmas mass…what my new year resolutions were for 2015…and since nothing could prepare me for the events that occurred over the last 12 months, I’m hesitant to make any bold statements.  

I’m still going to make some resolutions, but I need to speed up the process because I’m still in brainstorming phase and I’m a day in!

But really what I wanted to share was that my next several posts will be dated with the time frame in which they occurred. I have had a lot going on and for the first time since I was diagnosed, I just couldn’t hit the post button. So I hope to get everyone up to speed and take you along for what our 2016 has in store.  I’m sure it will include a lot of TMI but hopefully you will enjoy. 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I am waiting to have my labs and port flushed at my new cancer center office.  The room they use for labs is the same room for infusions.  It feels like a chemo room. 

I shouldn’t complain. I haven’t had my port flushed since October 22.  The labs are the key to monitoring my CEA levels, a blood test that detects if cancer is growing in my body. 

If it is high, it doesn’t mean that cancer is back. It would just mean we would need to take a closer look through other procedures.  So, let’s hope this bad boy is under 5.  I’ll keep you posted!

Nikki commentary: I was laying in bed last night and was worrying about my cancer coming back. I guess I feel with the new year around the corner, it’s something I can put behind me but I know I can’t. 

I see a lot of doctors and i know they are concerned that it will come back. And that should be their concern, that’s their job to be proactive and catch it early. 

What I need to do, is stop it from becoming a paralyzing fear and delaying how I live my life. Most importantly, I need to live. Live every day to the fullest and appreciate the life I have been so blessed to have. 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Last night, before Scott and I fell asleep, I told Scott “Happy Thanksgiving!” And then thanked him for taking care of me this year. 

Which brings me to the reason for this blog entry.  I have started and never posted   a proper thank you. I am not really sure what a proper thank you is in a situation like this and  I’m still trying to figure one out, but in the mean time I did want to say “Thank you.” I know I can’t list everyone but please know I am so thankful for your love and support.

Thank you to Scott for taking care of me, the kids, the house, the dog, working, taking your lunch breaks to visit me at chemo and basically not having one ounce of a good time while I was going through treatment.

Jeffrey and Cecilia; for getting me out of bed, off the couch and most importantly, giving me a reason to take every pill.  It really is for you, my children, that I fight!! And I always will. 

Thank you to my mom for sleeping on our couch for several nights in a row (and never complaining once), to take care of me and the kids after surgery, having my port put in, and when chemo tried to kill me. For letting me come home and rest and for taking care of the kids. And for your generosity in other ways.

To my sister Angie for being there during surgery, my first chemo treatment, many in between and for your unending support and love. I know i stressed you out while you were pregnant, so thank you for letting me watch the birth of Emma as well!

“The Ladies” Lyndsay, Malinda, Brittany, Jessica, and Betsy: where do I start!!  For the gift basket the hospital and the one that had 12 gifts to open, one after each treatment. For calling my cleaning lady and asking her to return and taking care of a month of her services, for taking me to treatments.  

Steve and Rose: for watching the kids during my treatments. It was such a huge relief knowing they were with family. For being over Panera treats, taking the kids to the park when I needed some rest, and for also chipping in for cleaning the house for a month. We love you!

Ron: for being there to watch the kids and help us out! We appreciate all you do!

Holly: for answering the phone every time I thought I couldn’t take another pill. For your guidance on what my cancer was all about. For visiting after I had surgery. And for paying for a month of cleaning!

Erin: for suggesting applesauce and coke to help get the pills down. GAME CHANGER! for coming to visit after I had surgery and for your love and support.

Emily: chocolate milkshakes and French fries. Who knew that’s what I would be able to eat in my off weeks. Thanks for the dinners, the love and support, and play dates to make me not feel like a terrible mother not entertaining my kids.

Jason and Abigail: for staying at our house while I was in the hospital and watching our kids. For the meals and all your love and sipoort. Jason for raising  money and riding for cancer research.

Panera Peeps: wow ow wow.  Words can’t even express my gratitude after Kristin, Rennee, Nicole, Kirby & Lauren coordinated and delivered a gift box for me and the kids from my Panera family. Janet: for your cards, texts and constant prayers. The people at Panera were the reason I didn’t want to leave and would be the reason I would go back in a heartbeat.

Donna: for taking me to my treatments and helping me throw up in that nasty bucket of old bags of chemo.  That was one of my hardest treatments. I love you.

Jessica and Adam: for watching our kids during surgery, the dinners and the support.  Jessica, for visiting during treatments. I loved having you there.

Kristi: for the food and love and support. Always listening to me and for reminding me to talk to God.

Jeff: for bringing me to my treatment and sticking around all day, I know you are the busiest person I know. I appreciate it!

Shellie and Mark: for coming to visit and for making me feel like me!

Amy: for making us apart of Team Nos. it has been a pleasure getting to know you and hope to be friends for years to come.

Kelly: for coordinating a card shower.  I don’t even know you and yet you went out of your way to send me hundreds of get well cards from the effingham community and beyond. Thank you! 

Effingham community: thank you for your prayers, cards, kind words for my family. I can’t thank you enough.

Matt and Jen: Matt for training and riding the Pedal the Cause. 

Pedal the Cause supporters: everyone who donated to Scott for his ride. He raised over $1000 and that’s amazing!!

My brothers and sisters for bring at my last treatment and helping me ring the bell. It meant a lot to be there. 
Again, I know I missed someone and we are working in a formal way to say thank you, but always know that I read every card, email, text, etc.  From my family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving!  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It’s hard to explain, but as I try new things in our new town, I find myself comparing it to St. Louis. I guess it makes sense. I compare it to what I’m used to. But where I think my problem of acceptance of this new place is thinking that everything in St. Louis is better.

From a health perspective, I met with my new oncologist today. And what I (think) I have discovered is the younger you are with cancer, the more quickly you get an appointment. I could be wrong, I have no idea how other people go about making dr appts or getting into new physicians. But I know once I am talking face to face with the dr. They always say, when I saw your records, I told my staff to get you in immediately. 

The good news is I really like my new oncologist. He is all about me living a normal, healthy life. Or maybe I just like him because he said he isn’t giving me chemo. 

But overall, I’m having an ok time adjusting. I think it will take time to find our new groove and make new friends. But in the meantime, I get to hang out with the cutest and coolest 19 month old and 3 year old!!

Happy birthday to my baby boy!  
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

October 22, 2015: my last dr’s appt in St. Louis and my follow up appt from my colonoscopy and CT scan. It was a crazy experience, in that I thought I hated that place but as I walked through my usual routine and saw all the familiar faces, I realized I was going to miss this people at this place. 

In the appt, we reviewed my blood work. only 104 platelets (I hope those bad boys come back!) but the real concern was my liver. The levels have plateaued and are no longer dropping since I stopped chemo. The CT Scan also showed my liver is enlarged.  So going to stop drinking alcohol and if by mid December the liver isn’t better, will see a liver specialist. 

Overall, I was given a clean bill of health. With my next big scans Fall 2016.

Nikki commentary: when the dr suggested not to drink, you would have thought he said my cancer was back. And looking back at the situation, I know I was being unreasonable. But at the time, I just didn’t want any more restrictions. I just wanted my life back. And now I look back how I was reacted was childish. I was walking out of a cancer center, cancer free.  If not for long, at least for now. And that is amazing!

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

words of wisdom from Nick Dust: do not get attached to materials things.

I love our house in the unique, city  neighborhood of St. Louis Hills.   When we moved in almost 5 years ago, Scott and I were newly married and we were excited about the life that was to be lived in our new home.

Two people moved in that day, with  some boxes and a Bichon pup and the ambition to take on the world. Looking back on our twenty something selves, I can say for certain, two different people are moving out.  Now, mid- (ahem)- thirties, with a lot more boxes later, an almost 3 yr old “big” boy and a hell raising, never take no for an answer 1 1/2 yr old girl and an see Bichon pup! Two people that have been taught a thing or two about the game of life and the knowledge of what you have planned isn’t always what happens.

This house is where we brought our babies home from the hospital, hosted family and friends for meals and holidays. The dance parties, the laughs, the tears, the joy of good news and the conversations and discussions of bad news. This house was made a home by the love in our hearts and the support of our friends and family.

Some highlights: picnics and running races in the back yard. Early morning coffee with Scott before the kids wake up. Sleepless nights with the babies and watching the sunrise in a quiet neighborhood. Christmas Eve morning as our family of 4.  Getting a real Christmas tree from Ted Drewes. Halloween nights on the front porch with the fire pit and kids telling jokes to get candy. Walking to Mass at St. Gabs. Becoming great friends with neighbors. Being 5 minutes from Target and being able to walk to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Wow…the list could really go on…

But the city sidewalks is a love/hate relationship. The impossible smooth stroller ride you try to take your newborn baby on and the anxiety that comes with watching your toddlers learn to walk and inevitably trip and get hurt on the big crack on the sidewalks. But I love them as they are lined with beautiful trees and there is something inviting about streets lined with sidewalks. Inviting you to walk, to explore and to get to know your neighborhood and the stories it has to tell.

Good bye house. Thank you for being our first home. 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.