August 4, 2016

my oncologist called and said the scan was perfectly clear!! No signs of cancer. We are meeting in a week for labs and to discuss my future! Yay!!! 

It has been a bit overwhelming adjusting to the life of being a momma of 3 small children. With all new things, comes change. The transition process of getting use to that change. And the patience you pray for to get through that process. 

My 2 year old’s new favorite saying is “i do it” and while I admire her willingness, it can be very frustrating to be patient with her while she tries to do everything on her own. 

Today I’m taking strength in her favorite saying.  As I drink barium for the prep of a Ct scan. While I mentally prepare for results I have no control  over. I do it and I can do this and guess what, you have no choice, just do it! Let’s do this. 

And just think, if it’s clear. I get to have this  port taken out.

  

June 23, 2016

he is here!!  Our baby boy has arrived! After much anticipation, we have a healthy  baby boy!

We spent the week with family, momma Marie and Steve and Rose, playing the waiting game and trying to do as much as possible with Jeffrey and Cecilia. 

And then it was baby day. My last two births were overnight, so it was nice to have him early afternoon, coming to the hospital after a nights rest. 

The week(s) leading up to his arrival have been overwhelming. With the understanding of how our family dynamic will change – the ever present mom guilt of not being as available to the older kids –  and knowing how far we have come from when we found out about him. 

The understanding of what’s next for my health journey…a CT scan scheduled for early August, just 6 weeks away, to check for the presence of cancer. If it’s clear, I get my power port out!! If it’s not, we take a closer look, more test.

A lot of tears and crazy lady emotions, I am now feeling grounded and know our family it right where it belongs.

Nikki commentary:

Scott was out of town a few weeks ago and we had a bad thunder storm come through after bedtime. Cecilia woke up crying and I went in to rock her. I decided I would just rock her until the storm passed. And then I realized, I had no idea how long it was supposed to storm. 

I feel like my life recently has been lived in this scenario. Waiting for the storm to pass – waiting to get through newborn stage, chemo, being pregnant, and again, just wanting to meet our new baby boy.

The night before Elliott arrived it stormed all night. It just felt appropriate that it was a foggy, stormy morning when I was in labor with him. 

I’m hoping to start today as the new beginning of our next chapter. No more waiting out storms. Just living life and embracing the craziness that is ahead.   
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
  

i know what you’re thinking. This has to be an old post. I decided to be a SAHM in August of 2014. Well, the truth be known, a little over a month ago, I finally accepted that I, Nikki, am a Stay at Home Mom.

It’s a very interesting concept. Not working in an environment that directly relates to your college degree. And several people have strong opinions on this line of work.  I often hear, “I could never be a SAHM” or “I wish I could stay home, but financially we can’t make it work.” Along with some very rude comments and some very sweet ones. 

The crazy thing is, I never thought I would not be working in a corporate office. When people ask what you want to be when you grow up, I didn’t have a specific job title in mind, but I knew I wanted to be in business. It never crossed my mind I would be a mom. Yes, sure, I wanted to be a mom but I didn’t think it would be my job title someday. And financially, we make a lot of sacrifices and clothing and handbag stores miss me because of it. 

But you know what happened? Life happened. No plans, no outlook, just every day, going with what is handed to you, life. It didn’t happen all at once, but over time, it kind of just made the most sense for my marriage, my children and most importantly, for me, to stay home. And it was a rough start. I spent the first 4 months looking for part time jobs. Only one serious interview, but always looking. And soon found out, for us at least, if you don’t have someone to watch your kids for free while you do the part time job, it doesn’t make a whole of sense to work.

And then I got sick. So there went 8 months of beating myself up that I didn’t appreciate being home. After all, what did I have to complain about?! And then we moved and I found out I was pregnant, and I was still looking for a part time gig. I miss my team, the people, having a say on a decision.  Maybe I am one of those people who tell me, I couldn’t stay home. This just isn’t for me.

I also put too much emphasis on what I assumed other people thought of me. No one has ever come out and said anything negative to my face, but there has been change. In relationships, conversations and comments that maybe I took a little to personally (or literally). 
It’s a great debate, to stay home or to work. And just like breastfeeding or formula feeding, people have strong opinions. Which when you think about it, is funny because these decisions that people make have little to no influence on someone else’s life. 

And about a month ago, I finally embraced it and it really has made a huge difference. I think it was a combination of an appt with my oncologist and hearing my husband tell me, “I really think you are going to look back at these days and remember them as the best years of your life” and for some reason, it clicked. I’m a Stay at home Mom. I love what I do – wow, did I just say that?! I said I love what I do for a living?  It is challenging, it is exhausting and I’m making huge, life changing decisions every day.

Yes, along with these life changing decisions, I also get to be apart of the excitement of a finding a leaf on a walk, watching reruns of Paw Patrol and Curious George. And of course the excitement of poop.

It’s unfortuate that it took me so long to appreciate my life and my time, but at my old job we use to say, give yourself a year before you know what your doing. And I think it applies here. And like all jobs, there are good days, bad days and a lot of in between. 

Either way. I’m lucky that my days start off with smiles and hugs and ends with stories, a lullabies and “I love you”.  And who knows, if I play my cards right, I’ll be a Stay at Home mom for many years to come. 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

April 10,2016
Today, my baby girl turned 2 years old!! Along with celebrating Miss Cecilia, we also reached a milestone of Jeffrey being in a new room, in a big boy bed and officially potty trained. And with all these fun milestones, I am reminded of why I think about cancer every day. 

Scott has mentioned that our kids are “why we fight” and he is right. 5 years ago, I thought if I was told I was sick, I would quit my job and travel the world. But what I have come to realize is I’m living the life that I want to be living. I want to sing happy birthday to my kids (for the next 40 years!), I want to read to them at night before bed (and be waiting up for them when they get home when they get older) and I want to lose my patience because they don’t listen to a word we say and I swear they are spoiled rotten! (Which I hope is always!)

And little does Scott know is that he is also a big reason of why I fight. I want to kiss him before he goes to work in the morning and hug him before he goes to bed at night. And I want to curse him under my breathe when I’m frustrated as hell.

Life has a funny way of making you appreciate what you already have. And more importantly, adapting your mind set to what matters. In my opinion, you can’t live everyday in a “new lease on life way” because sometimes the pressures are too much and life gets you down. But as long as you can see the big picture, I think it helps get through the day-to-day.
Nikki commentary:
I have always prayed and we are teaching our children to pray. The main topic is the idea of “thanks” in our Thank You, Jesus song that I made up for the kids to sing. we also pray for others, family, friends and those who are fighting battles know nothing about.

When I say I think about cancer everyday, it’s because I honestly do. To make sure that it knows I haven’t lost sight of it and that I know I’m not in control of how this all ends.  But more importantly, I pray to God to keep me and my family healthy and thank Him for this amazing life.
  

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

March 10, 2016

One year ago today, I had a colonoscopy that changed my life.  Actually, it saved my life. While Scott and I waited for my procedure, we talked about everyday things and he worked on his laptop. When it was over, I didn’t even have my juice yet when the GI dr was standing there and told us they found a tumor. He said that they had taken a biopsy so he didn’t know for certain, but from his experience, it looked very suspicious.

 The next 10 days would include a CT scan, a confirmation that that tumor was colorectal cancer and surgery that would remove the tumor. 

Over the next 6 months, I would have chemotherapy to kill any cancer cells that surgery showed were already spreading. I also learn how lucky I was to be diagnosed. Apparently where the tumor was located came with no symptoms. And I was lucky to have a few symptoms that were not associated with anything, to add up to make my physician recommend a colonoscopy. 

In October of 2015, I had a CT scan and a colonoscopy that came back clear. And one month later, I found out I was pregnant with our tough little guy.

As today has approached, I have felt a lot of mixed emotions. Sadness, joy, homesickness, and an appreciation to “be present” and to live in the moment. 

I don’t want to count down my life, but I found myself saying to my mom, 1 year down and 4 to go. (Its most likely to return in the first 5 years).

I also don’t want to live in the past, but I don’t want to forget the strength I gained or the lessons I learned. 

And I don’t want to get to caught up in the future. As any pregnant woman knows, there is a joy in the weekly countdown to 40 weeks and to the arrival of your new little family member. And, besides blood work with my oncologist every 3 months, I will have colonoscopy and a CT scan this summer after the baby is born. 

March is colon cancer awareness month and even though I haven’t developed a platform to which I want to preach from just yet, what I do want to say is go to the doctor, Ladies,  get your yearly pap smear, listen to your body and make yourself a priority. I have thought about if I were working full time, I probably wouldn’t have made time for my dr appt last Janurary.  Just as a mom, I find myself still not taking time for myself. 

Nikki commentary:

do you ever hear devastating news from a family friend and in that moment, your heart breaks, your stomach turns and you pause to pray for the person and family in need. And then the phone rings, the reminder alerts you to a meeting or your little one reminds you that they want a snack. And you’re back at it.

Life goes on…for everyone who isn’t involved, life goes on. You want it to pause, to stop, to give you a minute to catch up, but it doesn’t. It seems unfair, but in the long run it makes you tougher as you learn to catch up. 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

January
28,
2016
It’s a boy! And more importantly, the 20 week anatomy scan went great! 4 chambers of the heart, brain measuring great, spine looks good and we got to see our little guy moving and grooving!  Babies are little miracles and I still can’t believe we are going to be a family of 5!

We didn’t find out the gender in the ultrasound room, instead, we ordered a gender reveal cake. And I’m so glad we did. It was an exciting way to find out and we got to have cake!!

  

  © Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

December 20, 2015
Home to celebrate Christmas with my family! And I managed to keep the pregnancy a secret until now!! 
We are having our annual, Dust siblings and spouses, cabin Christmas party and I’m excited to share the news.
Recap, my family is aware that I was most likely done having children, they think I’m not drinking because of my liver which had a hard run with chemo, and let’s just say, this is going to be a shocker. 
So, I told everyone that we had a gift for mom to thank her!! Since she selflessly took care of me and my family this past year and slept on my couch without complaining once. (This is a big deal, I would have complained!) 
So I read my mom a poem I wrote and you can watch the video to see the rest. The last refers to her grandchild 27! And her last, we are done after this one. Well, I guess never say never!
“Dear Momma Marie, what can I say? What to give you on this Christmas Day!
It has to be special, just like you! So why not make it the last, yes, I think that will do!

So open the box to see your surprise! It’s sure to bring excitement to your beautiful blue eyes!”
 

 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

December 2015

The next two appointments were serious in tone, but when I reflect on them, it doesn’t feel right to write about them in a negative space. So, I will share the positives!

December 3, 2015 : first appt with OB Specialist

Even though I am still adjusting to living in a new city, I am very blessed with the healthcare I am receiving. When I left this appt, I wanted to give the Dr. a hug. He put a lot of my fears to rest.

The big things that came out of this appt:

I explained my history (of the last 10 months) and shared that when I wasn’t having a period, I assumed it was a delayed side effect of chemo. And he agreed that I had every right to think that. 

But I got pregnant at the perfect time, from finishing chemo to when the CT Scan tools place.

A huge concern for me was that I had a CT Scan and unlike in March when I made them take a blood pregnancy test, I just didn’t think I was pregnant. And turns out a CT scan is all or nothing. It will terminate  the pregnancy or not effect the baby at all. 

Chemo: turns out that there is a lot of studies of pregnant women on the type of chemo I was on in the second and third trimester, but none in the first. The good news is that it doesn’t show to harm the baby in later trimester. And the better news is that the pills are in your system for about 45 mins and the infusion for about 16 days. So, by the time I conceived, I should have been in the clear. Although it is possible small amounts of chemo were in my body.

Baby aspirin: I was taking a baby aspirin once a day for my port. I stopped around 8 weeks per my oncologist suggesting but the OB said no big deal. Larger doses of aspirin are what is to cause concern.  And I was terrible at remembering to take it, so that made me feel better.

The biggest concern is what steps do we take if the cancer or if there is a reason to believe the cancer has returned. There is a lot of evidence that there are safe scans to have in the second and third trimester. And overall, what do we do to treat it if it is back. 
December 17: 12 week ultrasound. 

This appt checked for how the baby was growing, checking the spine and brain other fluids around the baby and placenta. When the dr walked in, he gave me a thumbs up and a smile. He said everything looks like it is growing as it should be and we will meet again on January 28 for the anatomy scan and to see if it’s a boy or a girl!!
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Thanksgiving, 2015

I told my mom that I was pregnant with Cecilia when I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. And I told her not to tell anyone. I told my family over Labor Day (around 8 weeks) to which a few of my siblings responded, yeah, we knew!  To which my mother responded, “I didn’t tell anyone. I only told Cindy, Jeff and Kevin.” 3 of my 6 siblings. And Angie knew the day I found out. 

My mother also told me, you will not hurt my feelings if you do not tell me something, because I can not keep a secret. 

So with that in mind, it was important to me not to share my news over Thanksgiving. I wasn’t in a good place yet and I wanted to meet with the specialist before spreading the word. I also didn’t want to worry anyone. So, Scott and I made it our goal to keep the news to ourselves until Chritmas. I would be 13 weeks by then and have more information to share. 

And now every person knows to question a woman who isn’t drinking if she is pregnant, but lucky for me, everyone knew that chemo was really hard on my liver and I wasn’t drinking anyways. Who ever knew that would be good advice for more than one reason!

So, we came in, had a great family visit with some well planned outfits on my part to hide my bump. Yes, the body shows it a lot sooner with #3. Or that’s my excuse😉 and we departed with our news concealed and our focus on December 3. Our appt with the OB specialist.

Now, that doesn’t mean I can keep a secret. Because I had already reached out to my group of girlfriends for support. I find that I can keep other people’s secrets but when it comes to me, I’m an open book.
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.