What if you were told you had 24 hours left to live? What would you do? How would you reflect on your life? What would be you key take aways? Regrets? Memories? Epic stories you are confident would live on!! 

24 hours.
You can stop reading and come back tomorrow. Think about it. Really reconsider how you’re living your life, it’s a lot. Too much. And let’s be honesty by the time a Doctor tells you that you have 24 hours to live, you’re not going to feel like doing anything. 

I’m not a statistics person, but I doubt a lot of people get the 24 hours heads up. So I think we are better off living a better, more fulfilling life without the warning.

So, the next question. What would you be remembered for?

I think of my mom, she is still alive, but I know my kids will remember her for floor puzzles and ice cream bars!! And always having wine!!!(ok, my kids might not know that last part!)

And the 24 hour question has been making me think about how my kids will remember me. Most days, if not everyday, we have a dance party, usually in our kitchen. And I’m known for talking to strangers. From a wave and hello to everyone we see, to talking to the guy selling honey about dairy allergies for 10 minutes. I think the kids would remember that…

So are you back? 24 hours. How will it go? What are you leaving behind and what are the stories your family and friends will tell? More importantly, what are you going to do different today. 
Nikki commentary: here’s the deal. You can’t live every day like it’s the last, because that’s not the way life works. You have good days, bad days and a lot in between. And as I tell my kids, you have to have bad days to appreciate the good days. But you can try to make a difference every day on how you love your life. 

Walk more, love more, be nicer to yourself. Invest time in relationships, because if you don’t have time for other people, why should others make time for you? 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

2 years…2 years ago I had a colonoscopy that changed my life. I still remember being in the post procedure daze, sitting in the hospital bed in a tiny room, Scott in the seat next to me. The nurse asked what kind of juice I wanted. OJ (of course 😉). 

The  gastroenterologist walked in before I even had my juice. It’s a daze but I remember his words vividly. “We found a tumor. We took a biopsy and we don’t know for sure, but I’ve been doing this a long time. And I’m pretty sure it’s cancer.”

2 years…a lot has changed in 2 years, and I don’t just mean the state we live in. 

The one I want to talk about today is the way we eat. Scott and I that is..,it may seem odd or like common sense, but we just eat differently. Little to no red meat. I still eat hamburgers bc I still enjoy them but they make me sick. So, I have to be in the mood to feel crappy afterwards. 

We eat eggplant in our spaghetti and on our tacos instead of ground beef. We eat a lot of fish and Sea bass for special occasions instead of filet mignon. Chicken or pork is still in the rotation. Lots of salads that are kale or spinach based. But we have been doing that for awhile. 

Little alcohol (Scott doesn’t drink, so this makes it easier in me). And the reason I try not to drink is to avoid sugar. I like a cookie or some chocolate, so I try to minimize my intake on that as well. No soda (but I stopped drinking soda before I started trying to have babies in 2011.)

And the biggest surprise from this change it is not a big deal. I don’t miss anything. In fact, when I do overeat, I get sick. It actually had me in a panic that something was wrong bc over the holidays I would get sick after to much food (or drink 😉). 

My biggest revelation is that eating good food isn’t about being thin, it’s about being healthy. Don’t get me wrong, we are not a model of healthy eating. We order pizza, get chick fil a, jimmy johns, ice cream!! Dr. Pepper is a weakness of mine. But we try to make better decisions the majority of the time.

It’s about changing habits. Habits are hard to break. Scott is the cook in the house and last night I had every intention to order pizza because he was working late. And I ended up making dinner for the kids and myself a salad. Habits…hope this is a new one I’m starting!

Nikki commentary: 

I’ve made up this term “cancer karma” it’s something I describe as, not getting too boastful about getting a clear scan or feeling good because you don’t want cancer to think you’ve got your guard down or getting to comfortable.

Some may say it’s no way to live.  But I think it just comes with the diagnosis. The question of “is it going to come back? If not here, possibly someplace else?” 
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My 2 year scan is CLEAR!!! If feels like a dream!! I feel amazing and normal!! 

My next appt is in 6 months!! (I have been going every 3 months!!)

What’s to come: I will have a mammogram this summer and meet with a gastroenterologist to establish care for general concerns!!

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes!!  I want to have a party. 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Scott and I had the great pleasure of taking a trip to visit my mom last week in Bonita Springs, FL. With the kids staying at home we had a few days of quality couple and alone time. We ran every morning, drank coffee and la croix on the lanai and we had drink by the pool at 11am 👍

The best way to describe how I felt on the trip, besides missing the kids, is content and healthy. I wasn’t pregnant or breastfeeding or sick. I felt a glimmer of a new me. I had time to sit down and eat breakfast (lunch and dinner😍) and I made a point to do what I wanted. This is all very selfish. But for 3 1/2 days, it was awesome!!

Nikki commentary: 

I had my 2 yr post diagnosis PET/CT scan this morning. I had an IV that injected a dye and contrast for the machine to read. It basically pisses off cancer cells and makes them light up for the images. 

The kids got a kick of how I described my test, as I pretended to be “zoomed” through a machine that looked at my insides!! 

Now I continue to play a mental “heads or tails” game with myself as I wait for the results. Clear/not clear. I actually feel really confident that it’s clear!! Will probably have to wait the weekend but either way, I’m going to be close to my phone today!!

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

New city, new oncologist. And I hate to say, but at the same time am happy to say, the first Dr I met with, I didn’t like. He didn’t call me with my CEA level results. And his scheduling person is the one who mentioned he wanted a CT scan and a chest x-ray. Wtf??

So I looked further. Fortunately, Jeffrey’s preschool teacher connected me to someone with referrals. The dr ended up only seeing Breast Cancer patients but I researched the practice and met with my new dr at the Simon Cancer Center downtown Indianapolis on February 14, 2017.

Great appt. (as great as one can be when you are meeting with an oncologist). But he was positive on my diagnosis and that after my 2 yr scan is clear, we are in for a huge win. He said if this scan is clear, there is less than a 20% chance of colon cancer returning. And if it does return, I would respond nicely to immunotherapy. Which means possibly no chemo!! 

Now, this doesn’t mean I won’t get breast cancer (I will have a mammogram later this year) and I don’t want to know about percentages and how they apply to a 33 yr old female of average weight, non smoker, gets the big c in the first place. 

I was also impressed with my new dr, when I had my labs taken at 2:15pm and he called me at 3:55pm with the results. My new CEA baseline is 2.6. Mine was at 3.4. But I have a PET scan scheduled for 2/24 and we are just praying I’m someone with a high CEA.
Nikki commentary: 

The nurse was taking my labs after my appt. and after she wrapped up my arm and stuck my arm with the needle, I winced. She questioned, “are you ok!?” I responded, “yes. But no matter how often you get poked, you never learn to enjoy it.” And after a pause I added, “but you know. I’m always thankful it’s me. I’m the one getting poked and not my kids. Or my husband.” 

She agreed but added with a light hearted sense of humor ” but I would be ok if it were my husband.”  And I said,”yeah, on some days, I think I would agree.  Ha!”
2 years. Let’s do this. 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Written October 2016

Life has been pretty hectic lately. After having baby number 3, it really changed the parenting game. People often say (or warn would be a better way to put it) that 2 kids you’re still playing one-on-one defense. With 3, you’re outnumbered.

When friends would check in on me after having Elliott, I would find myself explaining, things are good but I can’t handle anything else. I was at my limit. My plate was full!

I had a CT scan scheduled for August 2 before I had the baby, so I knew my pregnancy bliss (being of why I’m always at a Dr office) was over.

And then Scott came home from work one day in late July and mentioned a possible job opportunity in Indianapolis. I didn’t speak to him for the rest of the night. For 1) how is moving not adding anything else to the crazy life that is our current situation and 2) it wasn’t St. Louis or Effingham. 

But the more i thought about it. It just made sense to get closer to home. So, we added listing a house, house hunting and moving 4 states to the plate!

It’s funny how chemo prepped me for others challenges in life. Because when I looked at everything that neeed to happen, I couldn’t breathe (full on anxiety attack, couldn’t breathe). Questioned myself if maybe I was suffering from post-partum. So, I took a task-by-task and day by day approach. And, tried to take a minute to celebrate our successes!

For example, the realtor came to take pictures for the listing, had a beer that Monday night. Departed the house at 4:30am for an early flight, with 3 kids and had the house in shape for an open house. Scott and I toasted with our Starbucks coffee after getting on our gate!

And so on and so forth; to the moment when I requested to just fast fwd to the following week, as we had the packers, movers, travel and unpacking all lined up. But here we are, moved in and getting settled. 

At my last oncologist appt on 10/11, my CEA was 4.7. Still rising but not a big jump. He said if he was my dr in 3 months; and it went up again, he would do another scan. Possibly a colonoscopy. But the best advice he gave me (because I asked for just that) was to exercise and to take time for myself, because health is mind, body and soul. 
Nikki commentary;

Cecilia is a terror but she has a heart of gold. And when I return (from being anywhere for more than 5 minutes) she looks at me excitedly and says. “Momma, you’re here!”

I give her a hug and agree, “yes, I’m here!” And in my mind, I remind myself “Nikki, you are here!” Try not to lose sight of the big picture because you are here!!
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My oncologist called and the scan was perfectly clear!! Not sure why my levels are going up. Maybe because I’m breastfeeding, just had a baby…we will continues to monitor it. 

Such a weight lifted off my shoulders but the news sill left a pit in my stomach. I think it was a good scare because I have made several lifestyle changes, mainly focused on how we eat,  but now time to make some more. 

Nikki commentary: the news was celebrated with a dance party on the beach with my entire family!! 

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Well, that was fast. I received be results and the CEA level went up to a 4.3 and I have a PET Scan tomorrow at 8am. Dr says he is being cautious and wants a closer look. 

It’s hard to describe how I feel about this news but if you can relate to feeling physically ill over worry, than you can relate.

Nikki commentary: for the scan, after they put stuff in an iv, I have to lay still for 60 minutes. I told the nurse, God must be listening and have a sense of humor. Because as a stay at home mom with 3 little ones, i often find myself saying to myself, “I just need a minute!” 

So, I guess now I get 60.
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

September 13

A few weeks ago, it was just a regular Tuesday night. Scott was upstairs giving the kids a bath and I was watching tv and feeding Elliott. And my phone rang with “unknown” as the caller.
Unknown is how my oncologist shows up on my phone and I wasn’t expecting a call from him. I answered and he said, “hi Nicole, it’s Dr. Reyes.” I already knew it was going to be him and now to find it why he was calling me after 7pm on a Tuesday!!
Apparently, my CEA level is up from a 1 to a 3.6. It’s the first time it’s went up since chemo. (Dr. wants this number under 3. My dr. In St. Louis wanted this number under 5.) The CEA is a cancer marker in my blood and could mean that cancer is present in the body. It could mean nothing at all. I questioned if the CT scan could miss something, and he said yes. 

So today, I had labs to check the CEA level. I will hear back in the next couple of days on the new number and next steps. So now we wait, again.
© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Thursday, August 18

the time has come to have my port taken out. I’m scheduled to have it taken out this morning. Even though I have been dreading the fasting (mainly upset about no coffee),  the IV and overall hospital procedure process, I’m excited to have it out and  not having to have it flushed every 4-6 weeks.

it’s really removing the constant reminder that I’m a cancer survivor. It’s exciting since so much of my life has changed since that diagnosis. A move, a new baby, lots more changes on the horizon.

I know the scar will remain and be a constant reminder of what use to be there but I’ll take the scar over the port any day of the week.

Friday, August 19

Ever since I started this physically grueling process of having cancer, I’ve been meaning to write a blog post about the “final fuck you”. It’s the you’re home from the hospital from the blood work, surgery, treatment. But you have the band-aid, the medical tape, the bandage covered in some sticky thing that will guarantee to make you cringe when you take it off.

In my mind, I’ve always referred to this as the final f you because  you have survived the prep, the procedure and some of the recovery. And then you have the knowing pain ahead of taking off the last part  of what is left…and to see what will be underneath.

Today, I’m praying it’s my final final. And even though it unveiled a new scar (the surgeon had to make a new incision to take out my port) and a hell of a bruise (my body did a good job making a new home for the port and didn’t want to come out!) I know it’s a good reminder to stay humble in my life, to be thankful for my health and to remember the unconditional love and support that was shown to be over the last year and half.

I will still see my oncologist every 3 months to monitor my blood work and health but this is a win to start to get back into the swing of things.

© Nicole Szymonik and This Is the Pause Button, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicole Szymonik and This Is The Pause Button with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.