Following the tone of my blog, the next several entries are not filtered and written from my emotional experience of them. It is very personal information but since I have shared this much, i thought, why stop now. 

November 9, 2015

I’m brushing my teeth and I’m so nauseous I feel like I could throw up. Oh my gosh. You don’t think, I bet I am. Let’s think about this…it’s been 50 days since my last period, but I assume that is a delayed side effect of chemo. I had a pregnancy test before my colonoscopy and it was negative, when was that day 33 or something?  (Checking dates, crap, it was day 24?!!)

Alright kids, load up, we are going to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. And back home we go to confirm what I already know. 

I have a theory with pregnancy test, if you are pregnant, the test is positive under a minute. Not pregnant, it makes you wait. Test 1: waiting, waiting, waiting…BLANK! What, what does blank mean? (Look at pamphlet, instructs to call 800#. Ok. They are not going to tell me the results for a defective test. I don’t care if I only tinkle on it,  I’m taking the other one. Test 2: Pregnant.

My mind is racing…Last period 9/20, last day of chemo 9/24. I was on chemo! Toxic chemicals, not a prenatal vitamin. My periods were so irregular (have one and 10 days later, start again. 30 days later start again, 10 days later start again…) I had a colonoscopy.. I had a CT Scan. Why didn’t I make them do a blood pregnancy test like I did in March!??? You are such an idiot.

Call Scott, call my sister, Angie, call Scott 3 more times and text both of them to call me! Call oncologist in St. Louis and leave a message for the nurse, all while crying, that I just got a positive pregnancy test and I just finished chemo. 

Alright kids, as promised, we are headed to the playground. Get back in the car. call Scott, call Angie. Angie answers. And I’m uncontrollably sobbing.

This poor baby, what have I done? How could this happen. It’s not the baby’s fault I had cancer.

I call Scott, he answers, and says “what?” I said “what do you think?” “He responds, “I don’t know!” And I just say, “I’m pregnant.” And he says, “no fucking way?!”

Exactly…no way, right?

Medically: before I started chemo, I saw a fertility specialist about freezing my eggs and decided against it. I was told to wait at least 6 months post chemo and  3 years from the geneticist.

Condoms and Birth control: I joked that we have used more condoms than teenagers for the last 3 years and apparently we use them as efficiently as them as well.

During treatment, the dr said if you are still having a period, you can still get pregnant. So don’t. At my first appt in March, I asked if I could be on birth control, he said no. It would interfere with the chemo drugs. And on Sept 18 (my last infusion day) he gave me the ok for whatever (IUD or the pill). Ok. Fast forward to Sept 20 (last week of chemo, week of Lynn’s wedding and I had my nose cauterized this same morning. I call for an IUD, but they can do it that week and I decide I need a physical break and will go on the pill instead. Oct 22, appt with OB before moving and for a Pap smear which is important since uterine cancer is a big concern for me. Ok. Given a sample of a pill, start on first day of next period. 

Drs: I spend the day on the phone with healthcare professionals. Found an OB in our new area online and call, again, sobbing to the person on the phone and explaining my situation. Since I am a new patient, they can’t get me in until December 3. Way to long. 

I talk to my oncologist’s nurse and he wants me to go to Lab Corp for a blood pregnancy test. Dr’s don’t like to say anything until they have proof. So after the kids wake up from naps, we head for mommy to get some blood work. The lady says the test is STAT so we should know by morning. 

Side note: I’m not used to bringing the kids everywhere and this is just the beginning.

And I am just in complete, devestation. How could this happen, this poor baby. I’m a terrible person.

Tuesday, November 10:

Oncologist confirms what I know. Yup, you are pregnant and you need to be seen by a dr right away. Thankfully the nurse was amazing and promised to call the new OB and send over my medical records, with a letter, encouraging them to see me ASAP.

In the meantime, I have an idea. I’ll call my OB in St. Louis to get their opinion. And after crying to the nurse, she tells me I most likely conceived October 4-6. Well, I got home from a girls trip on the 4 and my 34 bday was the 6. So that would make sense, but we used a condom. Yeah, doesn’t matter.  After continuing to explain my guilt and fears she tells me that she likes to think God has a sense of humor. And that she will call me back after talking to the dr.  When she calls back? He confirms that I’m a high risk and need to be seen right away. (I’m seriously considering driving to St. Louis. I really feel lost and out of control. How did this happen) she also asks, what happened to the sample we gave you! I responded that I never started my period!

I call the new OB and they have received the records from my oncologist and will see me Thursday, November 12. Ok. We are getting someplace. Now let’s get to Thursday morning. 

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